So I've reached the point in this pregnancy where I no longer have full visual on important areas. Said areas are some of the most important yet most difficult real estate to attend to.
Last night, upon Husband's arrival home from work it dawned on me that I had a doctor's appointment this week and being that it's a baby doctor appointment - a trim is of vital importance, you never know what they're gonna want to do down there. Dinner had been in the crock pot since 9am **pats self on back** and other than a 3ft pile of clean laundry on the love seat my house looked decent...I decided to make a sneaky exit to a long shower.
There are a few hair removal options for the pregnant population but each have their unique risks to the female and her anatomy. I will discuss each.
Option A: My best friend suggests I just pay for a Brazilian wax. Yikes. I had appointment for one of these in college. I got up on the table and allowed her one swipe of wax and removal before I said, "no thanks, I'm good, how much for that piece?" Then a few years later in preparation for a weekend with Husband (then, Boyfriend) I let my leg hairs grow nice and fluffy and spent 34809348 dollars on wax at Sally Beauty. I waxed up both legs, removed one strip, said, "OH HELL NO!" and spent an hour in the shower trying to scrub wax and linen off my legs. No, I shall not be going to Brazil any time soon. Option A is out.
Option B: Just shave and hope for the best. I actually debated this. I could blindly hack away in the shower and hope I came out un-mutilated. Or I could stand in front of the bathroom mirror for assistance but how could I ever clean that up? I felt sure I'd forever be the girl with the random pube stuck to her sock. Option B is viable but not the best.
Option C: I have a pregnant friend who volunteered that her husband assists her with this process. Hmm. We're married, we've "become one," he's seen me at my worst and best this should work, right? No, just no. Can't do it. Despite being high school sweethearts we have a very strict line drawn in our relationship. That line is somewhere directly after child birth and before voluntarily passing gas in front of each other. (If you must know - private hair removal is right after passing gas and right before going to the restroom with the door open.) I'd like to be pretty and well-groomed but I'm going to have to do it myself. Option C is out, not to be considered again.
There's a forth and final option and that's D. The one I chose.
Option D: Hair removal cream. I spent 45 minutes googling creams in the aisles of Target and settled on Nair for the shower. It even comes with a cute little scrub sponge. I apply using my bathroom mirror for guidance, hop in the shower, and after a few minutes scrub off. So easy, right? Well it was...until I started feeling an awful burning sensation at the very tippy top of my legs where (for fatties) the thighs touch. There were some curse words, I'm not going to lie, especially after the cream was removed and continued to burn despite me using some shampoo to fully remove the excess. I hopped out of the shower and tried to satiate the chemicals burning through my skin with cold water and boo-boo spray but they couldn't be stopped. I have two big burns at the tops of my (forever touching) thighs.
So the moral of this story? Something that might be more embarrassing than always having pubes on your socks, more embarrassing than being the lady that has to bite a leather strap in the waxing room, even more embarrassing than asking your husband to help you shave your lady bits? What's more embarrassing than all those things? That would be having to walk around with your legs 2 feet apart for the entire night and then explaining to your husband why. I just wanted to be attractive and well-groomed...instead I look like a dude rancher just off his horse, waddling around wondering aloud if diaper cream might stop the pain.